Today I went to Disneyland and it was terrifying! First, I went on a boat ride through the jungle. The elephants were really cool, but it got a little weird towards the end. Some native had used a magic powder to shrink a guy's head and then he chopped it off and was trying to convince me to buy it.Next, and slightly unnerved by the post-decapitation that I had just witnessed, I headed over to Pirates of the Caribbean.... and I thought that unruly Native was scary. These pirates are nuts. Two pirates hung a man by his neck and were dangling him in a wishing well. Even when the Pirates were themselves reduced to skeletons (de-fleshed mammals are very popular here), they still wanted to get drunk and kill one another. And another thing about pirates... They love rape.
After that it was the haunted house and while I understand that it is supposed to be scary, I was shaken up by the skeleton hanging from the ceiling in the entry way. Sadder still were all the lost souls and they aimlessly tried to get to heaven but couldn't. Someone should pray for them.
More skeletons were buried in walls in the Indiana Jones ride. Some of them were people (sad that their families will never know what happened to their bodies) and some were animals. At Big Thunder Mountain, the skeletal remains of perhaps a dinosaur are prominently featured on the wall of the hillside.
After my terrifying run through Adventure and Frontier Land, I sought refuge from so much death. I bought a piece of a dismembered turkey and made my way towards Fantasyland. Surely that wouldn't be as terrifying, but it was. There were more pirates, one of whom wanted to murder small children. Thankfully one of the children could fly. Shortly after that, I was forced to contemplate the fate of the turkey I had just consumed as I was eaten by a giant whale and the theme of decapitation was revisited as some crazy witch shouted "Off with their heads..."
Finally I made it to Tomorrowland and was happy to learn that in the future, Michael Jackson comes back to life, only he is black again and lives in space where he works as a ship captain. It got a little weird when in Buzz Lightyear, I became a murderer myself, killing several critters and people alike. Despite the popular song lyric, "the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades," according to disney, that isn't true. The future is very dark because you are in space. There is no grass or trees. That is for sure. Just space ships. Earth was nice while it lasted.
Exhausted from all of this death, it was time to leave. On my way out where a giant rodent tried to give me a huge hug. I got home to find that mouse snapped in two by a mousetrap. Apparently the Disney Mouse went on the Jungle Ride where he was shrunk and decapitated. Glad I got out of there alive.
I can't wait to get a season pass!
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